My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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