I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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