Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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