Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
Sacagawea was the original milf.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
