it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
