They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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