I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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