You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
