And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
