I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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