There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Randomize
