You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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