Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
