im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
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