i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
