last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
