You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Randomize
