When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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