we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Liz is crying about burritos again.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
