no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I wish they made helmets for livers.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
