Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
