I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Randomize
