last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
