so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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