i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Randomize
