My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
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Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
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In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
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