he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
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working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
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It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
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