They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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