I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
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