yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
