u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
