ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
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