Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Randomize
