well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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