You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
