Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Randomize
