Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Randomize
