I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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