That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Randomize
