Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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