I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Randomize
