someone threw a dead crab at me
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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