I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
