I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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