I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Randomize
