I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
