So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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