I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
