you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
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