Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
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