your parents love me but you hate me
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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