i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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