Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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