Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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