hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
