New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
