I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
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I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
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He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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