I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
