just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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