I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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