I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
