I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
